Mushroom from 2018 - Nothing Changes

 If, as seems increasingly likely, the astonishing events in Salisbury are state-sponsored, how should the UK respond to this outrage.  Assuming evidence emerges that links the murder attempt to Russia, is there anything we could do to punish that country?

At times like this it would be comforting to look to the EU for support, collectively led by Federica Mogherini, the High Representative of the European Union for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy.  For reference, Federica Mogherini, who does not appear to have ever worked for a living, was a member of the Italian Communist Youth Federation from 1988 to 1996.  A spokeswoman of hers is married to a communication adviser to Gazprom, the Russian owned energy company and the largest supplier of natural gas in the world.  Perhaps it is unrealistic to expect a robust reaction from her?

We could hope that individual Nations may be more sympathetic.  Germany, for example should surely feel threatened by an aggressive Russia.  But then, having shut-down their nuclear generating capacity and under pressure not to reinstate any more coal-fired power stations, they are dependent upon Russian gas supplies and are unlikely to poke a stick in Putin's eye.

How things have changed.  In the mid 1980s I held a staff appointment at a NATO Air Headquarters at Ramstein, near Kaiserslautern.  The geography was idyllic - the Black Forest, Switzerland, Alsace, the Moselle Valley were all close by - and, with threat of mutually assured nuclear destruction apparently working and keeping weekends free for leisure, there was plenty of time for recreational travel.  However, that easy-going life concealed a harsh reality beneath.  My boss, Manfred, a steel-eyed Prussian, and all his German colleagues were under no illusions about the threat we faced.  War games were played out very seriously indeed and, depressingly, most ended in a furious nuclear exchange.  Before that strategic destruction, however, my German colleagues would have been quite content to loose off the odd small nuclear weapon to stem the advance of Warsaw Pact armour surging through the Fulda Gap and pushing through the Inner German Border towards Frankfurt - they knew what was at stake and they meant business.

But that was 1982 and, despite Crimea and Ukraine, perceptions of the Russian threat have changed today.  Desperate to believe that our opponents will always view problems with our smug Western bias, our politicians cannot bring themselves to admit, at least in public, that Russia poses a threat.  So, noble though it is, the Duke of Cambridge deciding not to go to the world cup is not going to cut it.  Neither will PNGing a handful of Russian diplomats of freezing the assets of a few criminal oligarchs. As Corporal Jones remarked, however, they don't like the cold steel up 'em - if we want to make an impression on Russia, we need bigger and better bayonets.  We should immediately commit the funds necessary to restore the operational integrity of our neglected armed forces and urge our NATO allies to do the same.  That is something Putin would understand.

Lord Patel's Nice Little Earner

 

At Yorkshire County Cricket Club, amid the self flagellation and abject surrender to punishment beating from the DCMS and ECB, the potential financial collapse of the Club and the legal chaos generated by the “new” management, it could be easy to gloss over the contribution of the saviour, appointed or otherwise, Lord Patel, the Chairman.  Our new Chairman has set about cleaning the stable with alacrity but, apparently, with scant regard for legal nicety and incurring substantial financial liabilities through various pay-offs, bonuses and compensations on the way.  Neither has he ignored his own comfort because, if rumours are to be believed, he has awarded himself a whacking £200,000 pa package for his pains.  Yorkshire members will be expected to approve the Chairman’s salary, along with other substantial retrospective financial arrangements at an Extraordinary General Meeting on March 14^th.  Just for reference, £200,000 is about the salary of the Armed Forces Chiefs, General Staff, First Sea Lord and Chief of the Air Staff but they do work 7 days a week.  I do hope, at the upcoming extraordinary meeting, Lord Patel is able to justify the value of his remuneration to members.

Inverted Pyramid of Piss over Headingley

I have not read “Jake’s Thing” by Kingsley Amis but my curiosity has been sufficiently aroused for me to add it to my reading list. One of the characters of the book, Geoffrey Mabbott, a buyer from a chutney firm, introduces the concept of the “inverted pyramid of piss.” As explained by Rory Sutherland, “The Wiki Man,” in one of his usually engaging articles in the Spectator, the inverted pyramid comprises, “a great parcel of attitudes, rules and catch words, resting on one tiny point.”  In a world or ever-increasing data, Sutherland argues, it becomes increasingly easy to find data to support your preconceptions.  As he put it, “take a small meaningless correlation and build a whole urinary edifice on top.”  We see this process everyday in the silos of social media intercourse.

Anyone taking an interest in the respective discourses of the new Board at Yorkshire County Cricket Club, the England and Wales Cricket Board, the Professional Cricketers Association and, of course, the cross-party Digital, Culture, Media and Sport Committee, led by Julian “Robespierre” Knight MP, cannot but be amazed at the volume of “evidence” arising in support of the allegations of racism at the first organisation on the list.

Take the latest session of the cross-party committee held on Tuesday 8 February with the Professional Cricketers Association, elegantly attired, and taking the stand. As part of my general service training as a General Duties Officer in the Royal Air Force, I was required to know how Air Force Law operated and, in particular, understand the rules of evidence and assumed such niceties would be observed by a body as august as a Parliamentary Committee.  I spent time as an Officer under instruction at Court Martial and I conducted two major accident investigations, one involving the Prince of Wales, no less, so I think I can spot a leading question when I see one or recognise hearsay when I hear it.  Now a lot of the accusations levelled against Yorkshire may be true – I have no idea since I have not seen any particular evidence.  I only know what I have read in the press and in that respect I am no better off than the exquisitely manicured Non-Executive Chair of the PCA, Julian Metherell, who admitted that he didn’t really know what was going on at Yorkshire, only what he had read in the press.  Nevertheless, when Julian Knight bowled an inviting underarm long hop outside the off stump, “what do you think of the people who for their own very particular reasons are trying to derail the (virtuous) process at Yorkshire,” Metherell cut viciously over the in-field and opined that there was no place for such people in the game and that they should be driven out.  Knight concluded the session by saying that Metherall’s reply was “the answer we were looking for.”  Quite so!

Such is the mounting urinary edifice threatening to neutralise the hapless members of Yorkshire County Cricket Club.  I am a member of that Club and I happen to believe that Lord Patel’s proposals to reconstitute the Board are bad for the membership.  Following the debacle of the illegitimate Emergency General Meeting, if the proposals are put to the membership in the future I will vote against.  I wish to make clear that my attitude has nothing to do with the allegations of racism and the inverted pyramid of piss above them – that is another matter.  But if cricket’s officialdom wish to conflate the two issues then, Julian Metherall, please don’t bother to drive me out, I know where the door is, thank you.

 

 

 

Battle Lines at Headingley

 

Lord Patel is quoted as saying, “a group of individuals is actively seeking to delay and derail" reform at Yorkshire following the club's racism scandal.” Julian Robespierre Knight has weighed in expressing, “deep concern,”  at those responsible for undermining the progress “that’s being driven” by Lord Patel.  The DCMS equivalent of the “Sea Green Incorruptible” goes further by stating: “anyone seeking to subvert his work must be called out and held to account."

So there it is in plain language – if you are not with us then you must be against us.  It is you that is the problem. Your criticism is unhelpful and merely reinforces your racist credentials.  Move over, or else!

The new Chairman appeared to be determined to confront the dinosaur membership head-on. But attempts to force through change have been thwarted when a recently slated Extraordinary General Meeting was cancelled because, “it came to their attention that the meeting had not been properly called.”  We are told that another EGM will be called in due course.

Will the membership bow to the pressure?

It would be supremely ironic if, in attempting to force through change in the interests of diversity and equality, the new Board created an impasse with the membership which left the club in such financial jeopardy that it brought the house down and destroyed the Club that, however flawed, does at least provide an opportunity for everyone to play cricket for Yorkshire.  Now that's what I call a derailment.

The Choice Facing Yorkshire County Cricket Club Members

 

Just like the Houellebecq novel, the ritual neutralisation of Yorkshire County Cricket Club continues apace and all the building blocks for Succession now seem to be in place.  In the interests of good governance, no doubt we shall hear, it is proposed that the Board is replaced with appointees (who’s likely affiliations and prejudices one need not spell out).  Governance is to be further reinforced by including a representative of the ECB with, presumably, voting rights and powers of veto, who will have a difficult job in balancing their new role of looking after Yorkshire County Cricket Club with their day job responsibilities for the English game as a whole.  You may, like me, have spotted a tricky conflict of interest here?  The new management has helpfully pointed out that, “members have the ability to overturn any nomination of an independent director when the appointment is put to members for ratification.”  However, how likely is it that the membership, staring into the abyss of extinction, will not vote for the governance proposals?  Doubtless the management will make clear that if we don’t agree to everything the ECB and the parliamentary Robespierre, Julian Knight MP demand, international cricket will be denied to Headingly and, hence, the financial viability of the Club will be fatally undermined.  Slam dunk, perhaps with an impossible choice at the ballot – submission to a new woke tyranny or surrender to the bailiffs!  To those that feel that the survival of YCCC is worth any sacrifice I would just add, philosophically rather than practically, that is has been observed that one may take anything one desires out of life but, at the end of the day, one has to pay.

Bunter Tucks In

 

“Cave,” squeaked the Fat Owl of the Remove, just as the angular frame of Quelch, Housemaster of Stan Cullis House at Brayfriars School, loomed through the dorm doorway wherein was spread a lavish picnic of assorted tuck and flagons of ginger beer, smuggled in by the furtive housemates.

“What is the meaning of this illicit midnight feast,” boomed Quelch?

“I, I, I, I, I,” spluttered Bunter.

“Cease this blathering repetition of the first person singular and explain yourself at once,” demanded Quelch.

“I know it looks awful, but I can explain everything Sir,” blustered Bunter.

“The awfulness is terrific,” ejaculated Bob Cherry.

“You have forfeited the trust not only of the Remove but of the entire school and I shall be writing your Pater at Brady Towers forthwith,” judged Quelch.

Hurree Singh, who was only a visitor to Stan Cullis from the next door house, sighed in desperation but then turned to the wall and openly smirked behind his hand.

"Oh, and get that wretched Collie out of the house," added Quelch, "you know the rules on pets."

 

Christmas Irritants 2021

 

Perhaps it's me and some “unconscious bias” but I find that my list of candidates for irritant of the year for 2020 have failed to mend their ways.  Theresa May continued her selective recollections but just does not get it that nobody cares. Gary Linekar whined on whilst challenging Tittymarsh for ubiquity and poor Sam Coates had difficulty keeping his halo in place as he inclined his head in conspiratorial inquiry with each broadcasting scoop. Jeremy Hunt’s brass neck extended to improve his view in hindsight whilst wee Nicola continued to be her ghastly self.  Winkleperson, resplendent in the King’s new suit of clothes just doesn’t get it either – she is neither funny nor interesting.  Mushroom still hasn’t worked out what Motsi Mabuse is for but she remains uneasy on the eye. I’m almost ready to rehabilitate Jurgen Klopp, whose tooth whitening job looks like it needs a touch up but I will reserve my judgment on the sour kraut until Liverpool start losing a few. Meantime the bling-laden Lewis Hamilton continues to opine on everything that shouldn’t be bothering a millionaire, let alone one dubbed a knight of the realm for services to arcade games.  And what can be said of the Sussexes without one’s stomach churning?

But 2021 has still thrown up a few new irritants.  The forced confection of jollity from Alexander Armstrong, who gets everywhere these days, should make Classic FM a no-go area, at least until the ding dong merrily season is over for another year.  And what an entrance from Julian Knight, Chairman of the Digital Culture Media and Sports Parliamentary Committee, even though your no-nonsense star chamber waistcoat didn’t fit.  No doubting where you stand on Yorkshire County Cricket Club but just a shame you didn’t take account of all the evidence before pronouncing sentence. Alexander  and Julian join of last years worthy mentions who continued to plough on regardless.  Their Royal High-horses, the brand now firmly gripped by Meghan Duchess of Sussex, continued to astonish and dismay as it seemed not to occur to either them that the rest of humanity had rather more to concern them their soppy, cringeworthy and excrescent manifesto. Nevertheless, the crown this year goes to anyone who proclaims “our” NHS, George Cross, as “world class.”   Just try proclaiming that that to the soldiers, sailors and airmen (sorry, now “aviators”) who will spend yet another Christmas season helping out!