Life of Pi

 

Social media was awash yesterday with startling facts about a new Covid variant. With plans scarcely in place to deal with the Omicron plague, the WHO has designated a brand new threat Pi (not to be confused with Phi which will not emerge until later in the alphabet). Little is known about the Pi variant at this stage: it may be more virulent than previous variants or it may not. Symptoms could be serious or relatively mild. Either way, world leaders insisted that the public should not panic and continue their life according to current regulations. New restrictions will be imposed in due course, the Department of Health added, reassuringly. Asked about contingency planning for the Pi variant, the Government said that they were very much on the front foot and that Plan C was well developed. It is understood that radical new methods of protecting from Pi have been discovered by Government scientists working round the clock. Apparently, brown paper gives 96.37% protection against the new threat. The Department has begun covert acquisition of millions of large brown paper bags. But, in another humiliating U Turn, the Government has been forced to go cap in hand to the international marketplace since UK production of brown paper bags has been run down by serial Tory neglect. MPs on all sides described the brown paper situation as disgraceful and that Ministers had been asleep at the wheel.  In attempts to calm an increasing sense of panic the UK Health and Security Agency said that enough brown paper bags would be procured to ensure all adults could be protected and there was no need for personal stockpiling. They added that jumping into the brown paper bag and crumpling the top would keep us all safe. However, the public should wait until given specific instructions to enter into their brown paper bags, warned UKHSA, since premature donning would reduce effectiveness by up to 6.73% in lightly waxed paper and even 7.63% in plain paper, according to recent tests at Porton Down. This guidance, of course, only applies in England because Scotland and Wales have already announced contrary restrictions. If in doubt, the public should call 111 and they will tell you exactly what you can do – ever serve you right is our corporate DNA, said UKHSA.