Brexit Discussions Bugg (er) ed

Despite the cloak of secrecy, our man on the inside in Brussels has just sent the following transcript of the first day of discussion about Brexit:

“Good morning!  We agree it is time to get down to business.  We can speak frankly here – not like in your Cabinet Room in Downing Street Ha Ha Ha!  You are surprised I speak your language, no? Cigarette?

1.  Although we say, in public, that we do not want to punish you for daring to leave that is precisely our aim.  We realise that the whole EU concept is so unpopular that we could not possibly risk a leaving contagion.  So we must make it quite clear to the others that leaving is a bad thing to vote for!

2.  We are under a lot of pressure in our respective homes to make sure that when you leave our large export surplus with you is preserved.  I know, in return, that you only sell us less than 40% of your export goods.  We must also fully protect our uncompetitive services industry. So, we have decided that if you want to sell to us you will have to pay a hefty premium.  We know this is contrary to WTO Rules but see point 1.

3.  But there can be no trade deal unless you accept free movement of all EU citizens to work (or not) as is their EU right.  I know it would be laughable to insist on this with any other country in the world we might wish to deal with but, in your case, we will make an exception. See point 1.

4.  We have, over the years, constructed an impenetrable web of regulations for just about every facet of modern life and we are very proud of this achievement.  We insist upon line by line verification of every rule and regulation associated with the single market and customs union. Even if you make a plan to discuss all these matters before the scheduled end of negotiation, we warn you that our parliament is creating new regulations at such a rate that would never be able to finish the task. See point 1 and Der Zauberlehrling.

5.  We demand exactly the same rights for European citizens remaining in UK as under existing free movement rules.  We insist that once a citizen has acquired rights then they should retain them and that EU citizens living in the UK after Brexit should be subject to enjoy the same rights as any other EU citizen living in any other EU country in perpetuity.

6.  Your exit bill according to our penalty clauses which we have just dreamt up will be eye wateringly and headline grabbingly enormous. This is because our spending commitments are out of control and our gold-plated pension scheme is unsustainable. Although you will continue to pay into the EU budget for many years ahead, you will have no influence how the money is spent nor receive any further rebates, grants, or subsidies. See point 1.

These are our orders which must be obeyed at all times without question.  Attempting to escape will be futile.  Sign here please.  What, you do not seem to have brought a pen – would you like to borrow mine?”