Festive Sport

 

The programme resumes today after the festive break with the Conservative & Unionists facing a 30 point gap from safety.  Indeed, they face an uphill task for the remainder of the season as they attempt to shore up the club finances following the exodus of a large number of supporters.  The Manager hopes that some familiar names on the team sheet will change the crowd’s perception of United’s recent negative tactics.  Matt Warman remains suspended after his dismissal for violent conduct last time out.  Braveman is not risked following her succession of yellow cards for protest against the officials.  Despite showing a clean pair of heels to the opposition, Timpson misses out. Goodwill continues to try to impress whilst Merriman comes in for Freeman who has been released by the Club.  Duigud remains side-lined. The mid-field is unchanged with Levy once again covering for Freer and Cash.  Mark Spencer continues between the posts after his run of clean sheets.

 

Conservative & Unionists United XI

(4-4-2)

 

	Mark Spencer
Robert Goodwill	Liz Truss	Julian Sturdy	Huw Merriman
Tom Pursglove	Ian Levy	Mike Freer	Bill Cash
	Alberto Costa	Theresa Coffey

 

Christmas Irritants 2022

 

Perhaps it’s an age thing but I seem to have become more tolerant over the year.  Winkleperson continues to grate, like a nail on a blackboard, the Sussexes have made themselves so ridiculous that they can no longer be viewed seriously and therefore disqualify themselves, and even Gary Neville, making a surging run in the ITV commentary box, fails to make an impression in the final third.  Most of last years worthy finalists, including ever-presents like Lewis Hamilton and Gary Linekar have fallen victim to the squelch control on my radio set.  Even Julian Knight, having twinkled brightly last year, has encountered some personal difficulty which will serve to keep him quiet for the foreseeable.  It would be a poor selection this year were it not for a group entry whose sustained demonstration of incompetence, totally unjustified self-regard, and nauseating narcissism has provoked universal exasperation.   I refer, of course, to the 356 listed below (many of whom you will be completely unfamiliar but I include them all for completeness).  Following a brief flirtation with popularity at the back end of 2019, their motto at the time, “Ever Serve You Right,” has proved distressingly prescient:

Nigel Adams Bim Afolami Nicki Aiken Adam Afriyie Peter Aldous Lucy Allan Lee Anderson Stuart Anderson Stuart Andrew Caroline Ansell Edward Argar Sarah Atherton Victoria Atkins Gareth Bacon Richard Bacon Kemi Badenoch Shaun Bailey Siobhan Baille Duncan Baker Steven Baker Harriett Baldwin Steve Barclay John Baron Simon Baynes Aaron Bell Scott Benton Paul Beresford Jake Berry Saqib Bhatti Bob Blackman Crispin Blunt Peter Bone Peter Bottomley Andrew Bowie Ken Bradley Karen Bradley Graham Brady Suella Braverman Jack Brereton Andrew Bridgen Steve Brine Paul Bristow Sara Britcliffe Anthony Browne Fiona Bruce Felicity Buchan Robert Buckland Alex Burghart Conor Burns Rob Butler Alun Cairns Andy Carter James Cartlidge William Cash Miriam Cates Maria Caulfield Alex Chalk Rehman Chishti Christopher Chope Jo Churchill Greg Clark Simon Clark Theo Clark Fay Jones Marcus Jones Simon Jupp Daniel Kawczynski Alicea Kearns Gillian Keegan Greg Knight Kate Kniveton Danny Kruger Kwasi Kwarteng Eleanor Laing John Lamont Robert Largan Pauline Latham Andrea Leadsom Edward leigh Ian Levy Andrew Lewer Brandon Lewis Julian Lewis Ian Liddell-Grainger Chris Loder Mark Logan Marco Longhi Julia Lopez Jack Lopresti Johnathan Lord Tim Loughton Craig Mackinley Cherilyn Mackrory Rachel Maclean Alan Mak Kit Malthouse Anthony Mangnall Scott Mann Julie Marson Theresa May Jerome Mayhew Paul Maynard Jason McCartney Karl McCartney Stephen McPartland Esther McVey Mark Menzies Johnny Mercer Huw Merriman Stephen Metcalfe Robin Millar Maria Miller Amanda Milling Nigel Mills Andrew Mitchell Gagan Mohindra Damien Moore Robbie Moore Penny Mordaunt Anne Marie Morris David Morris James Morris Joy Morrissey Jill Mortimer Wendy Morton Kieran Mullan

Brendan Clarke-Smith Chris Clarkson James Cleverly Geoffrey Clifton-Brown Therese Coffey Elliot Colburn Damian Collins Alberto Costa Robert Courts Claire Coutinho Geoffrey Cox Stephen Crabb Virginia Crosbie Tracy Crouch James Daly David Davies Gareth Davies James Davies Mims Davies Philip Davies David Davies Dehenna Davison Caroline Dinenage Sarah Dines Jonathan Djanogly Leo Docherty Michelle Donelan Nadine Dorries Steve Double Oliver Dowden Jackie Doyle-Price Richard Drax Flick Drummond James Duddridge David Duguid Iain Duncan Smith Philip Dunne Mark Eastwood Ruth Edwards Michael Ellis Tobias Ellwood Natalie Elphicke George Eustace Luke Evans Nigel Evans David Evennett Ben Everitt Michael Fabricant Laura Farris Simon Fell Anna Firth Katherine Fletcher Mark Fletcher Nick Fletcher Vicky Ford Kevin Foster Liam Fox Mark Francois Lucy Frazer George Freeman Mike Freer Louie French Richard Fuller Holly Mumby-Croft David Mundell Sheryll Murray Andre Murrison Robert Neill Lia Nici Caroline Noakes Jesse Norman Neil O’Brien Matthew Offord Guy Opperman Priti Patel Mark Pawsey Mike Penning John Penrose Andrew Percy Chris Philp Dan Poulter Rebecca Pow Victoria Prentis Mark Pritchard Tom Pursglove Jeremy Quin Will Quince Dominic Raab Tom Randall John Redwood Jacob Ress-Mogg Nicola Richards Angela Richardson Laurence Robertson Mary Robinson Andrew Rosindell Douglas Ross Lee Rowley Dean Russell David Rutley Gary Sambrook Selaine Saxby Paul Scully Bob Seely Andrew Selous Grant Shapps Alok Sharma Alec Shelbrooke David Simmonds Chris Skidmore Chloe Smith Greg Smith Henry Smith Julian Smith Royston Smith Amanda Solloway Ben Spencer Mark Spencer Alexander Stafford Andrew Stephenson Jane Stevenson John Stevenson Bob Stewart Iain Stewart Gary Streeter Mel Stride

Marcus Fysh Roger Gale Mark Garnier Nusrat Ghani Nick Gibb Peter Gibson Jo Gideon John Glen Robert Goodwill Michael Gove Richard Graham Helen Grant James Gray Chris Grayling Chris Green Damian Green Andrew Griffith James Grundy Johnathan Gullis Robert Halfon Luke Hall Stephen Hammond Greg Hands Mark Harper Rebecca Harris Trudy Harrison Sally-Ann Hart Simon Hart John Hayes Oliver Heald James Heappey Chris Heaton-Harris Gordon Henderson Darren Henry Antony Higinbotham Damian Hinds Simon Hoare Richard Holden Kevin Hollinrake Philip Hollobone Adam Holloway Paul Holmes John Howell Paul Howell Nigel Huddleston Neil Hudson Eddie Hughes Jane Hunt Jeremy Hunt Tom Hunt Alister Jack Sajid Javid Ranil Jayawardena Bernard Jenkin Mark Jenkinson Andrea Jenkyns Robert Jenrick Boris Johnson Caroline Johnson Gareth Johnson David Johnston Andrew Jones David Jones Graham Stuart Julian Sturdy Rishi Sunak James Sutherland Desmond Swayne Robert Syms Derek Thomas Maggie Throup Edward Timpson Kelly Tolhurst Justin Tomlinson Michael Tomlinson Craig Tracy Anne-Marie Trevelyan Laura Trott Elizabeth Truss Tom Tugendhat Shailesh Vara Martin Vickers Matt Vickers Theresa Villiers Charles Walker Robin Walker Ben Wallace Jamie Wallace Matt Warman Giles Watling Suzanne Webb Helen Whately Heather Wheeler Craig Whittaker John Whittingdale Bill Wiggin James Wild Craig Williams Gavin Williamson Mike Wood William Wragg Jeremy Wright Jacob Young Nadhim Zahawi