Festive Sport

 

The programme resumes today after the festive break with the Conservative & Unionists facing a 30 point gap from safety.  Indeed, they face an uphill task for the remainder of the season as they attempt to shore up the club finances following the exodus of a large number of supporters.  The Manager hopes that some familiar names on the team sheet will change the crowd’s perception of United’s recent negative tactics.  Matt Warman remains suspended after his dismissal for violent conduct last time out.  Braveman is not risked following her succession of yellow cards for protest against the officials.  Despite showing a clean pair of heels to the opposition, Timpson misses out. Goodwill continues to try to impress whilst Merriman comes in for Freeman who has been released by the Club.  Duigud remains side-lined. The mid-field is unchanged with Levy once again covering for Freer and Cash.  Mark Spencer continues between the posts after his run of clean sheets.

 

Conservative & Unionists United XI

(4-4-2)

 

	Mark Spencer
Robert Goodwill	Liz Truss	Julian Sturdy	Huw Merriman
Tom Pursglove	Ian Levy	Mike Freer	Bill Cash
	Alberto Costa	Theresa Coffey

 

Christmas Irritants 2022

 

Perhaps it’s an age thing but I seem to have become more tolerant over the year.  Winkleperson continues to grate, like a nail on a blackboard, the Sussexes have made themselves so ridiculous that they can no longer be viewed seriously and therefore disqualify themselves, and even Gary Neville, making a surging run in the ITV commentary box, fails to make an impression in the final third.  Most of last years worthy finalists, including ever-presents like Lewis Hamilton and Gary Linekar have fallen victim to the squelch control on my radio set.  Even Julian Knight, having twinkled brightly last year, has encountered some personal difficulty which will serve to keep him quiet for the foreseeable.  It would be a poor selection this year were it not for a group entry whose sustained demonstration of incompetence, totally unjustified self-regard, and nauseating narcissism has provoked universal exasperation.   I refer, of course, to the 356 listed below (many of whom you will be completely unfamiliar but I include them all for completeness).  Following a brief flirtation with popularity at the back end of 2019, their motto at the time, “Ever Serve You Right,” has proved distressingly prescient:

Nigel Adams Bim Afolami Nicki Aiken Adam Afriyie Peter Aldous Lucy Allan Lee Anderson Stuart Anderson Stuart Andrew Caroline Ansell Edward Argar Sarah Atherton Victoria Atkins Gareth Bacon Richard Bacon Kemi Badenoch Shaun Bailey Siobhan Baille Duncan Baker Steven Baker Harriett Baldwin Steve Barclay John Baron Simon Baynes Aaron Bell Scott Benton Paul Beresford Jake Berry Saqib Bhatti Bob Blackman Crispin Blunt Peter Bone Peter Bottomley Andrew Bowie Ken Bradley Karen Bradley Graham Brady Suella Braverman Jack Brereton Andrew Bridgen Steve Brine Paul Bristow Sara Britcliffe Anthony Browne Fiona Bruce Felicity Buchan Robert Buckland Alex Burghart Conor Burns Rob Butler Alun Cairns Andy Carter James Cartlidge William Cash Miriam Cates Maria Caulfield Alex Chalk Rehman Chishti Christopher Chope Jo Churchill Greg Clark Simon Clark Theo Clark Fay Jones Marcus Jones Simon Jupp Daniel Kawczynski Alicea Kearns Gillian Keegan Greg Knight Kate Kniveton Danny Kruger Kwasi Kwarteng Eleanor Laing John Lamont Robert Largan Pauline Latham Andrea Leadsom Edward leigh Ian Levy Andrew Lewer Brandon Lewis Julian Lewis Ian Liddell-Grainger Chris Loder Mark Logan Marco Longhi Julia Lopez Jack Lopresti Johnathan Lord Tim Loughton Craig Mackinley Cherilyn Mackrory Rachel Maclean Alan Mak Kit Malthouse Anthony Mangnall Scott Mann Julie Marson Theresa May Jerome Mayhew Paul Maynard Jason McCartney Karl McCartney Stephen McPartland Esther McVey Mark Menzies Johnny Mercer Huw Merriman Stephen Metcalfe Robin Millar Maria Miller Amanda Milling Nigel Mills Andrew Mitchell Gagan Mohindra Damien Moore Robbie Moore Penny Mordaunt Anne Marie Morris David Morris James Morris Joy Morrissey Jill Mortimer Wendy Morton Kieran Mullan

Brendan Clarke-Smith Chris Clarkson James Cleverly Geoffrey Clifton-Brown Therese Coffey Elliot Colburn Damian Collins Alberto Costa Robert Courts Claire Coutinho Geoffrey Cox Stephen Crabb Virginia Crosbie Tracy Crouch James Daly David Davies Gareth Davies James Davies Mims Davies Philip Davies David Davies Dehenna Davison Caroline Dinenage Sarah Dines Jonathan Djanogly Leo Docherty Michelle Donelan Nadine Dorries Steve Double Oliver Dowden Jackie Doyle-Price Richard Drax Flick Drummond James Duddridge David Duguid Iain Duncan Smith Philip Dunne Mark Eastwood Ruth Edwards Michael Ellis Tobias Ellwood Natalie Elphicke George Eustace Luke Evans Nigel Evans David Evennett Ben Everitt Michael Fabricant Laura Farris Simon Fell Anna Firth Katherine Fletcher Mark Fletcher Nick Fletcher Vicky Ford Kevin Foster Liam Fox Mark Francois Lucy Frazer George Freeman Mike Freer Louie French Richard Fuller Holly Mumby-Croft David Mundell Sheryll Murray Andre Murrison Robert Neill Lia Nici Caroline Noakes Jesse Norman Neil O’Brien Matthew Offord Guy Opperman Priti Patel Mark Pawsey Mike Penning John Penrose Andrew Percy Chris Philp Dan Poulter Rebecca Pow Victoria Prentis Mark Pritchard Tom Pursglove Jeremy Quin Will Quince Dominic Raab Tom Randall John Redwood Jacob Ress-Mogg Nicola Richards Angela Richardson Laurence Robertson Mary Robinson Andrew Rosindell Douglas Ross Lee Rowley Dean Russell David Rutley Gary Sambrook Selaine Saxby Paul Scully Bob Seely Andrew Selous Grant Shapps Alok Sharma Alec Shelbrooke David Simmonds Chris Skidmore Chloe Smith Greg Smith Henry Smith Julian Smith Royston Smith Amanda Solloway Ben Spencer Mark Spencer Alexander Stafford Andrew Stephenson Jane Stevenson John Stevenson Bob Stewart Iain Stewart Gary Streeter Mel Stride

Marcus Fysh Roger Gale Mark Garnier Nusrat Ghani Nick Gibb Peter Gibson Jo Gideon John Glen Robert Goodwill Michael Gove Richard Graham Helen Grant James Gray Chris Grayling Chris Green Damian Green Andrew Griffith James Grundy Johnathan Gullis Robert Halfon Luke Hall Stephen Hammond Greg Hands Mark Harper Rebecca Harris Trudy Harrison Sally-Ann Hart Simon Hart John Hayes Oliver Heald James Heappey Chris Heaton-Harris Gordon Henderson Darren Henry Antony Higinbotham Damian Hinds Simon Hoare Richard Holden Kevin Hollinrake Philip Hollobone Adam Holloway Paul Holmes John Howell Paul Howell Nigel Huddleston Neil Hudson Eddie Hughes Jane Hunt Jeremy Hunt Tom Hunt Alister Jack Sajid Javid Ranil Jayawardena Bernard Jenkin Mark Jenkinson Andrea Jenkyns Robert Jenrick Boris Johnson Caroline Johnson Gareth Johnson David Johnston Andrew Jones David Jones Graham Stuart Julian Sturdy Rishi Sunak James Sutherland Desmond Swayne Robert Syms Derek Thomas Maggie Throup Edward Timpson Kelly Tolhurst Justin Tomlinson Michael Tomlinson Craig Tracy Anne-Marie Trevelyan Laura Trott Elizabeth Truss Tom Tugendhat Shailesh Vara Martin Vickers Matt Vickers Theresa Villiers Charles Walker Robin Walker Ben Wallace Jamie Wallace Matt Warman Giles Watling Suzanne Webb Helen Whately Heather Wheeler Craig Whittaker John Whittingdale Bill Wiggin James Wild Craig Williams Gavin Williamson Mike Wood William Wragg Jeremy Wright Jacob Young Nadhim Zahawi

 

 

NHS Accountability

 

I read that health spending now accounts for a whopping 45% of overall government expenditure on goods and services.  As more and more borrowed money is lavished on the NHS it is dismal to learn that the number of operations being performed is lower than before Covid even though there are 13% more doctors, 11% more nurses and 10% more support staff.  How much more to turn the ship around or have we, perhaps, reached the point when we should be saying enough is enough? If we, the hapless patrons of such a broken system, were shareholders of the providing company we should be calling the Chief Executive to account.  However, as we know, healthcare provision is cunningly devised to that it is very difficult to pin anyone down, particularly over poor performance.  Of course, the Government department responsible for “the NHS” is Health and Social Care.  However, The Secretary of State, Steve Barclay today, can easily slope his shoulders because responsibility for allocating resources in the world’s second largest healthcare system is vested in the publicly unaccountable (and largely invisible) Amanda Pritchard.  Apparently, in a behind closed doors meeting with her executives on 13 October 2022, Amanda Pritchard described the health service’s financial situation as, “a f****** nightmare.” If half of Government spending is, “a f****** nightmare,” why is no one being called before Parliament to explain?  There are 650 elected Members of Parliament who have a vital responsibility to look out for how our taxes are spent.  But just whisper the abbreviation, "NHS," and the silence becomes deafening.

The Latest Conservative Government

 

I have refrained from publicising my exasperation with the Conservative Party but, as the threat of decimation at the ballot box looms, I need to let off steam.  Rishi Sunak in charge and, arguably, we have got the leader we deserved.  Those who supported the new Prime Minister will be pleased with the initial direction of travel.  A Government of “all the talents” will repel accusations of nepotism and give a warm feeling to all who feel most comfortable in a technocratic consensus. But the relatively warm reception to the new Government so far disguises the gaping fault lines beneath the veneer of competence.  Will the National Insurance Rise be reinstated, should the promised rise in defence spending be rescinded, can we afford to pump even more money into health and social care without fundamental reform, how will we achieve resilience in energy and agriculture, is it not time to reassess the drive to net zero, how will we deal with the barrage of public sector pay claims, should we roll over on the Northern Ireland Protocol, are we serious about limiting illegal immigration and, even if we achieve consensus on all the above, can we actually implement anything in the face of the social media campaigns against everything? Far from steadying the Conservative Party ship, Rishi Sunak now faces an existential crisis.  Can all these tensions remain beneath the surface?  There is an argument that says we will be stuffed at the ballot box anyway so we may as well get all the bitter arguments out in the open and refit the ship when all the blood has been spilt and washed from the decks.  On the other hand, we could all put our differences aside and unite behind a message of responsibility and compliance with orthodoxy.  This is the appeal today – get behind Rishi and take the medicine or face extinction.  The “medicine” will involve, amongst other things, continuous retrenchment, falling living standards, cuts to hitherto sacred areas of expenditure, increasing social friction and, of course, more taxes.  But when you have been abusing your economic health for so long, bingeing on ridiculously cheap credit and printed money, surely we should expect an uncomfortable treatment plan?  Quite so but the only thing missing from Rishi’s diagnosis is the potential for recovery and hope for the future.  I think we would all take the medicine more readily if we could see a glimpse of what life could be like beyond intensive care.  If we are to stay the course, like any survival situation, we need hope that we can prevail in the end.  So Rishi, give us some hope and a vision for recovery –

 

When daylight comes, comes in the light,

In front the sun climbs slow, how slowly,

But westward, look, the land is bright.

 

Ian Harrow 1945 - 2022

Ian Harrow, who was a constant inspiration for this Blog and a highly stimulating companion, died this morning. Ian and I first met in 1956 when we joined Form 1 at Heaton Grammar School, Newcastle-upon-Tyne, thereafter progressing to the 6th Form after which our respective careers diverged and we lost contact for nearly 50 years. Having reunited about 13 years ago we have, until recently, met every week to discuss everything of importance.  This was published in the Spectator, 22 January 2022:

Last Word But One

The vanity of your insistence

that there is still time remaining

to speak what words can't say

on these most wishful of days

when, for you, the dying part is near

and still you want to believe

the conversations will go on

as you rest your hand

like the hallucination of a hand

on files that nurse the latest

shortfall in everything you made

                                                    - Ian Harrow

Mushroom's Conservative Leadership Vote

 

Mushroom has cast his vote in the, apparently, never ending mudslinging and self-destruction of the Conservative brand.  The Labour high command must be laughing all the way to the bank having saved themselves a fortune from their campaigning budget.  Meanwhile, Starmer’s speech writers have been presented with a treasure trove of embarrassing political faux pas, all to be deployed against the Conservative Party as the next election approaches.

In the early rounds of the contest, I constructed a matrix of essential and desirable criteria for leadership and marked off each prospective candidate accordingly.  Unfortunately, the candidate who emerged top of my scientific evaluation, Suella Braverman, failed to impress enough honourable members and didn’t make the cut.  Instead, as we are reminded by the always excellent Rory Sutherland, “we get to choose between someone who studied philosophy, politics, and economics at Lincoln College Oxford, and someone who studied philosophy, politics, and economics at Merton College Oxford.”  How lucky we are.  Sutherland remarks that he finds “the very idea of an undergraduate degree in politics alarming.”  He concludes, “it’s one thing to theorise on the basis of practice; quite another to practise on the basis of theory.” 

Quite so, and as the various hopefuls were eliminated the two remaining had managed to say something that ticked every box in my Excel selection matrix.  So much for science!

But this contest is much more than a political game.  As Allister Heath points out in the Telegraph today, we are faced with, “looming power cuts, rocketing bills, water shortages, dysfunctional public services, sky-high taxes and a failing economy.” Heath, dammingly, blames, “a quarter-century of political, intellectual and moral failure in which most of our political class has been complicit.”

Oddly, the looming crises, offers an opportunity to choose a different path to the technocratic consensus of cakeism and political compromise.  Of course, neither candidate has dared to suggest that we should spend less, least of all on the NHS money-pit.  However, it seems clear that more of the same will not do – we must take the chance of doing something different.

I like Rishi Sunak but I have concluded that he is one of the technocratic consensus and that his solution of squeezing inflation whilst reassuring the work-shy that help is always at hand will not work and will be a certain recipe for defeat for the Conservative Party when the next election comes.  Of course, Liz Truss does not have a magic wand for inflation and the economy but she does seem to have the breadth of vision to, potentially, enact some more radical polices to increase growth and productivity from which economic equilibrium may be restored.  With the election still 2 years away, there is still time to restore the reputation of the Party.

But the game changer, for me, is that Liz seems to have appreciated that we need stand up to Russia and treat China more firmly than hitherto.  She seems to appreciate that this means spending more on defence – not just repeating the meaningless NATO target of 2% of GDP but serious expenditure to fund the military capability we need to promote our foreign policy.

So everywhere I look I judge that we could not be any worse off by giving disruption a try concurrent with beefing up our defences in an uncertain world.  It’s Liz for Mushroom.

RAF Order of the Day

 Following a complaint by a member of the Green Slime, the SAS has told special forces personal  to cease using demeaning and humiliating nicknames such as “Rupert “ or “Doris,” Accordingly , in the Royal Air Force, the practice of referring to Army Officers as, “Pongos” is to cease forthwith.  In future,  all Pongos are to be referred to as Army Officers. 

Lose - Lose for the Conservative Party

Whatever happens next in the Boris Johnson story, it seems, the outcome will be lose-lose for the Conservative Party.  Either the Prime Minister limps on, in which case the populist knee-jerking designed to keep him in power will continue at the expense of coherent conservative policy, or he will go and replaced by someone else from the cast of nonentities apparently waiting in the wings.  Declaring an interest, I had better admit that my judgement in predicting the worth of recent Prime Ministerial candidates has been hopelessly wrong – how could I have imagined May as a unifying force or that Johnson would lead us to the sunlit uplands of post-Brexit opportunity?  Fortunately, the cast have little to recommend themselves so, unless someone with the apparent good sense of Lord Frost can be persuaded to join the race, I will refrain from trying to pick a winner.  What on earth could any of them change that would reverse the fortunes of a demoralised membership? Indeed, the winning candidate will turn out to be a loser since it will be a case of suicide for the Conservative party, replace Johnson or not.

Whilst, as I say, I won’t venture an opinion on any of the candidate’s potential for success, I will point out why one of them, in particular should be disqualified at the starting gate.  I refer of course to Tom Tugendhat and his violent studs showing challenge on Roger Scruton when the great philosopher was grossly wronged and misrepresented by George Eaton of the New Statesman. Conduct unbecoming of an Officer and a Gentleman.

A Royal Memory

 

I have never, unfortunately, had the honour of an introduction to the Queen.  Of course, a framed scroll on my office wall reminds me that Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of GREAT BRITAIN and NORTHERN IRELAND and of Her OTHER REALMS AND TERRITORIES QUEEN, HEAD of the COMMONWEALTH, DEFENDER of the FAITH, addressing me as “Our Trusty and Well Beloved,” appointed me as an Officer in the Royal Air Force.  On the eve of the Platinum Jubilee celebrations I recall, about the time of the Silver milestone, the closest I came to Her Majesty.

The late 1970s were turbulent; industrial action including petty wildcat strikes was widespread, inflation was rampant, unemployment was pitifully high and the economy bumped along on the bottom as Great Britain lived up to he title of “the sick man of Europe.”  Wages lagged well behind prices, particularly in the Armed Forces.  It was said that a front-line fighter pilot earned less than a guard on the London Underground, whether at work or on strike.  At Royal Air Force Marham, where we happily stationed at the time, the Station Commander was shocked to receive a letter from a highly qualified Corporal technician begging the Group Captain to support his application to be released from his engagement because, on his present wages, he could not meet the basic outgoings for his family. Nevertheless, even as we approached the “Winter of Discontent,” morale was surprisingly good and was boosted when Her Majesty paid an official visit to the Station.

For those of us not scheduled to meet the Queen during the tour, the highlight of the day was an official lunch in the Officers’ Mess attended by the Station executives, Officers, and their Ladies.  Lunch was delightful and went like clockwork, thanks to the superb Mess staff we had in those days.  After lunch, unusually, Her Majesty consented to joining the Station Executives for a group photograph.  Peter Beer, OC 57 Squadron at the time but formally and Equerry to Her Majesty was probably responsible for pulling strings and setting up the selfie of a lifetime!

So there we were, arranged in pleasing order at the West end of the Ante Room, with 5 of us standing at the back and 4 seated at the front with a vacant seat in the centre, all ready for her arrival.  Her Majesty duly arrived and took her place.  Immediately, the Corporal photographer pressed the shutter release and took one step back to indicate that his work was done.

“Is that it,” inquired Her Majesty?

“Yes Ma’am,” replied the Corporal, adding, “I’ve been told to get it right first time.”

“I think you’d better take another one,” replied the Queen, “just in case don’t you think?”

A wonderful memory of a very special day and I hope you have a lovely weekend Ma’am!

 

Conduct Prejudicial

 

I have received a warning from Oliver Dowding, the Conservative Party Chairman, reminding me, as a Party member, to uphold the highest standards and that I am bound by the Conservative Party’s codes of conduct.  Refreshing on the document, I note with interest that, “Bringing the Party into “Disrepute,”” means causing the Party to be held in low or negative esteem as a result of a member’s behaviour or actions and that suspected cases will be investigated using an objective test - an “evidence based approach.” The case against the Prime Minister, based upon the evidence of current opinion polls, is slam-dunk.  But what is even more disreputable is the hundreds of Conservative MPs who are fearlessly cowering in the trenches, unwilling to commit to principle and decent behaviour as being fundamental to their trusted position.  Perhaps they are waiting for the results of the upcoming by elections before daring to move?  In which case, when the bandwagon really gets going, ever serve them right!

Boris Johnson is not The Man for the Moment

 

I have given up trying to understand what this Conservative Government stands for.  The heady days of the get Brexit done 80 seat majority are well behind us and in front of us we see a mediocre bunch of sycophants desperately buffeted by an increasingly effective opposition, the press and, of course, social media.

Today’s scandal of yet another shirt-lifting Tory will likely be “brushed aside” because, as the PM’s spokespeople will point out, “the public are far more concerned with the cost of living crisis (or was it crime or was it illegal immigration)?”

Boris is prone to brushing aside what he finds inconvenient.  Quite content to hand out nuclear guarantees like prizes at the school sports day, when told by people who know about these things that he really must spend more on defence, he “brushed their concerns aside.”

Meantime, the clamour for a windfall tax on the wicked profit hungry energy companies becomes politically irresistible, according to the press and the focus groups, that is.  But hang on a bit!  There is a lot that could come out in the potential unintended consequences of establishing the principle of retrospective taxation.  Why stop with fat cat industry?  What about all those who earn a bit more than the rest of us?  Imagine what a Labour Government would do once the principle of retrospective taxation had been conceded? 

Yet here we are, 6 years after the EU Referendum, and still negotiating the terms of departure.  Whilst we should be embracing our new freedoms to increase, for example, agricultural production through gene editing, using state aid to promote innovation and growth, and extracting the energy we need from indigenous resources, we are languishing in anguish, torn this way and that by focus groups and media campaigns.  And that is before the monstrous waste of HS2 and the economically emasculating, nay suicidal, agenda in pursuit of net zero.

We desperately need some leadership and sense of direction if we are to avoid some of the dire economic and social consequences of the current shocks to our cosy world.  But looking at the present front bench (and the opposition), I’m not sure I would trust any one of them to run a kebab franchise, let alone a sovereign nation with so much potential in the world.  The twin threats of Putin inspired nuclear destruction and potentially Weimar-like inflation ravaging the whole world, leave little room for optimism.  What we don’t want is the seriousness of our situation to be brushed aside in favour of some unrealistic cakeism - Boris Johnson is not the man for the moment.

Military Priorities Today

 

In  these modern and enlightened times, employees feel they have a right  to bring their domestic issues to the workplace. Employers have assumed a new duty to care for employee “wellness.“ and competition in the market place for wellness benevolence is fierce. Never mind about productivity or shareholder value so long as you can demonstrate your caring touchy-feely attitude and outdo your competitors for sensitivity, environmental consciousness and social justice. Worried about paying for your forthcoming gender reassignment surgery? Take a job with a US giant IT Company and claim tens of thousands of dollars towards the cost of your hospitalisation during your transition towards your self identified gender. Or maybe you’ve already become something else and just need a refresh of your old wardrobe? All taken care of in the modern workplace – its $400 at the same US Company. In Mushroom’s formative years in the Royal Air Force, whinging in the workplace was a sign of weakness and would attract instant ridicule. “Shouldn’t have joined if you couldn’t take a joke,” was a standard rejoinder to any tale of misfortune or perception of grievance. May I be excused flying duty tonight, Sir, I have to take the dog to the vet,” would be greeted by derision - not just by the supervisor but those who would otherwise have to fill in for the absence would be equally hostile.

Inexorably, the woke culture appears to have spread to the very areas of society in which it would be least expected, the Armed forces. The catchall of “inappropriate behaviour“ has, it seems, become the limiting factor in what can and cannot be done in completing the operational task.  Introspection on inclusiveness has now taken so much prominence that a whole operational day was recently devoted to mandatory training in wokeness for all ranks.  A recent report by the supremely woke Air Chief Marshal Wigston has, apparently, made no less than 36 recommendations about unacceptable levels of behaviour and methods for dealing with them.  But where would one start with 36 recommendations?  Were they prioritised and the costs and operational impacts properly laid out so that a reasonable plan could be devised? One could speculate that the Service Chiefs will be scratching their heads and wondering where to begin (if I was a Consultant, and advising them, I would, of course recommend "picking the low hanging fruit first"). With Ministers anxiously watching their social media accounts we may be sure to see more headline catching initiatives, doubtless at great expense and operational cost.

It’s not as though the Services haven’t got anything else to worry about at the moment.  With the conventional situation in Ukraine deteriorating by the hour, wild and inflammatory statements from political leaders abounding, it is easy to see how the conflict could escalate to Nuclear, Chemical and Biological (NBC) dimensions.  Now, in Mushroom’s later years, we were very good at fighting under an NBC threat.  Regular exercises conducted under NBC conditions involved long days and nights trussed-up in charcoal protective suits covering normal flying clothing and air purifying respirators.  Engineers practised working in the open in full NBC kit so that aircraft could be maintained ready for action, however hostile the environment, whilst aircrew learned to fly wearing the portable respirator and air purifier equipment known as AR5, or the "whistling wheelbarrow" as it was sometimes called.  Every excursion beyond the clean environment would require lengthy decontamination upon return.   I don’t mind saying it was awful, particularly if you were anything like claustrophobic. We would spend long hours on alert playing bridge and praying for “endex.”  In between, we would take regular refresher training in the theory of NBC survival and take practical tests in tear gas chambers to check our equipment worked.  I think, for cushiness, a day spent woke navel-gazing might be preferable to the periodic “ground defence training” in which the friendly RAF Regiment Flight Sergeant would keep the Officer Aircrew very much on their toes for a whole day – an excellent example of what we used to call “practice bleeding” but which, knowing our enemy, made absolute sense at the time.

Forty or so years on, with the collapse of the threat from the Warsaw Pact, several peace dividends have been declared.  Mushroom understands that NBC training and equipment has been progressively scaled back to the extent that, now a new threat has emerged, the Services are scrambling to reacquire the skills and equipment that might become necessary if the conflict in Ukraine escalates.  But with 36 unacceptable behaviour recommendations to tackle amongst regular operational commitments, how will NBC training be shoe-horned into a busy schedule without disturbing the delicate work/life balance of "our people?" Something in the culture may have to give and the raft of reviews on behaviour may have to be put to one side.

 

No Fly Zone

For those politicians piously advocating the instigation of a no-fly zone over Ukraine, Mushroom recommends prior research into the capabilities of the currently deployed Russian S400 integrated air defence system.  Said politicians may then conclude that the most effective no-fly zone is that provided by the Russian missile system.

Mushroom from 2018 - Nothing Changes

 If, as seems increasingly likely, the astonishing events in Salisbury are state-sponsored, how should the UK respond to this outrage.  Assuming evidence emerges that links the murder attempt to Russia, is there anything we could do to punish that country?

At times like this it would be comforting to look to the EU for support, collectively led by Federica Mogherini, the High Representative of the European Union for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy.  For reference, Federica Mogherini, who does not appear to have ever worked for a living, was a member of the Italian Communist Youth Federation from 1988 to 1996.  A spokeswoman of hers is married to a communication adviser to Gazprom, the Russian owned energy company and the largest supplier of natural gas in the world.  Perhaps it is unrealistic to expect a robust reaction from her?

We could hope that individual Nations may be more sympathetic.  Germany, for example should surely feel threatened by an aggressive Russia.  But then, having shut-down their nuclear generating capacity and under pressure not to reinstate any more coal-fired power stations, they are dependent upon Russian gas supplies and are unlikely to poke a stick in Putin's eye.

How things have changed.  In the mid 1980s I held a staff appointment at a NATO Air Headquarters at Ramstein, near Kaiserslautern.  The geography was idyllic - the Black Forest, Switzerland, Alsace, the Moselle Valley were all close by - and, with threat of mutually assured nuclear destruction apparently working and keeping weekends free for leisure, there was plenty of time for recreational travel.  However, that easy-going life concealed a harsh reality beneath.  My boss, Manfred, a steel-eyed Prussian, and all his German colleagues were under no illusions about the threat we faced.  War games were played out very seriously indeed and, depressingly, most ended in a furious nuclear exchange.  Before that strategic destruction, however, my German colleagues would have been quite content to loose off the odd small nuclear weapon to stem the advance of Warsaw Pact armour surging through the Fulda Gap and pushing through the Inner German Border towards Frankfurt - they knew what was at stake and they meant business.

But that was 1982 and, despite Crimea and Ukraine, perceptions of the Russian threat have changed today.  Desperate to believe that our opponents will always view problems with our smug Western bias, our politicians cannot bring themselves to admit, at least in public, that Russia poses a threat.  So, noble though it is, the Duke of Cambridge deciding not to go to the world cup is not going to cut it.  Neither will PNGing a handful of Russian diplomats of freezing the assets of a few criminal oligarchs. As Corporal Jones remarked, however, they don't like the cold steel up 'em - if we want to make an impression on Russia, we need bigger and better bayonets.  We should immediately commit the funds necessary to restore the operational integrity of our neglected armed forces and urge our NATO allies to do the same.  That is something Putin would understand.

Lord Patel's Nice Little Earner

 

At Yorkshire County Cricket Club, amid the self flagellation and abject surrender to punishment beating from the DCMS and ECB, the potential financial collapse of the Club and the legal chaos generated by the “new” management, it could be easy to gloss over the contribution of the saviour, appointed or otherwise, Lord Patel, the Chairman.  Our new Chairman has set about cleaning the stable with alacrity but, apparently, with scant regard for legal nicety and incurring substantial financial liabilities through various pay-offs, bonuses and compensations on the way.  Neither has he ignored his own comfort because, if rumours are to be believed, he has awarded himself a whacking £200,000 pa package for his pains.  Yorkshire members will be expected to approve the Chairman’s salary, along with other substantial retrospective financial arrangements at an Extraordinary General Meeting on March 14^th.  Just for reference, £200,000 is about the salary of the Armed Forces Chiefs, General Staff, First Sea Lord and Chief of the Air Staff but they do work 7 days a week.  I do hope, at the upcoming extraordinary meeting, Lord Patel is able to justify the value of his remuneration to members.

Inverted Pyramid of Piss over Headingley

I have not read “Jake’s Thing” by Kingsley Amis but my curiosity has been sufficiently aroused for me to add it to my reading list. One of the characters of the book, Geoffrey Mabbott, a buyer from a chutney firm, introduces the concept of the “inverted pyramid of piss.” As explained by Rory Sutherland, “The Wiki Man,” in one of his usually engaging articles in the Spectator, the inverted pyramid comprises, “a great parcel of attitudes, rules and catch words, resting on one tiny point.”  In a world or ever-increasing data, Sutherland argues, it becomes increasingly easy to find data to support your preconceptions.  As he put it, “take a small meaningless correlation and build a whole urinary edifice on top.”  We see this process everyday in the silos of social media intercourse.

Anyone taking an interest in the respective discourses of the new Board at Yorkshire County Cricket Club, the England and Wales Cricket Board, the Professional Cricketers Association and, of course, the cross-party Digital, Culture, Media and Sport Committee, led by Julian “Robespierre” Knight MP, cannot but be amazed at the volume of “evidence” arising in support of the allegations of racism at the first organisation on the list.

Take the latest session of the cross-party committee held on Tuesday 8 February with the Professional Cricketers Association, elegantly attired, and taking the stand. As part of my general service training as a General Duties Officer in the Royal Air Force, I was required to know how Air Force Law operated and, in particular, understand the rules of evidence and assumed such niceties would be observed by a body as august as a Parliamentary Committee.  I spent time as an Officer under instruction at Court Martial and I conducted two major accident investigations, one involving the Prince of Wales, no less, so I think I can spot a leading question when I see one or recognise hearsay when I hear it.  Now a lot of the accusations levelled against Yorkshire may be true – I have no idea since I have not seen any particular evidence.  I only know what I have read in the press and in that respect I am no better off than the exquisitely manicured Non-Executive Chair of the PCA, Julian Metherell, who admitted that he didn’t really know what was going on at Yorkshire, only what he had read in the press.  Nevertheless, when Julian Knight bowled an inviting underarm long hop outside the off stump, “what do you think of the people who for their own very particular reasons are trying to derail the (virtuous) process at Yorkshire,” Metherell cut viciously over the in-field and opined that there was no place for such people in the game and that they should be driven out.  Knight concluded the session by saying that Metherall’s reply was “the answer we were looking for.”  Quite so!

Such is the mounting urinary edifice threatening to neutralise the hapless members of Yorkshire County Cricket Club.  I am a member of that Club and I happen to believe that Lord Patel’s proposals to reconstitute the Board are bad for the membership.  Following the debacle of the illegitimate Emergency General Meeting, if the proposals are put to the membership in the future I will vote against.  I wish to make clear that my attitude has nothing to do with the allegations of racism and the inverted pyramid of piss above them – that is another matter.  But if cricket’s officialdom wish to conflate the two issues then, Julian Metherall, please don’t bother to drive me out, I know where the door is, thank you.

 

 

 

Battle Lines at Headingley

 

Lord Patel is quoted as saying, “a group of individuals is actively seeking to delay and derail" reform at Yorkshire following the club's racism scandal.” Julian Robespierre Knight has weighed in expressing, “deep concern,”  at those responsible for undermining the progress “that’s being driven” by Lord Patel.  The DCMS equivalent of the “Sea Green Incorruptible” goes further by stating: “anyone seeking to subvert his work must be called out and held to account."

So there it is in plain language – if you are not with us then you must be against us.  It is you that is the problem. Your criticism is unhelpful and merely reinforces your racist credentials.  Move over, or else!

The new Chairman appeared to be determined to confront the dinosaur membership head-on. But attempts to force through change have been thwarted when a recently slated Extraordinary General Meeting was cancelled because, “it came to their attention that the meeting had not been properly called.”  We are told that another EGM will be called in due course.

Will the membership bow to the pressure?

It would be supremely ironic if, in attempting to force through change in the interests of diversity and equality, the new Board created an impasse with the membership which left the club in such financial jeopardy that it brought the house down and destroyed the Club that, however flawed, does at least provide an opportunity for everyone to play cricket for Yorkshire.  Now that's what I call a derailment.

The Choice Facing Yorkshire County Cricket Club Members

 

Just like the Houellebecq novel, the ritual neutralisation of Yorkshire County Cricket Club continues apace and all the building blocks for Succession now seem to be in place.  In the interests of good governance, no doubt we shall hear, it is proposed that the Board is replaced with appointees (who’s likely affiliations and prejudices one need not spell out).  Governance is to be further reinforced by including a representative of the ECB with, presumably, voting rights and powers of veto, who will have a difficult job in balancing their new role of looking after Yorkshire County Cricket Club with their day job responsibilities for the English game as a whole.  You may, like me, have spotted a tricky conflict of interest here?  The new management has helpfully pointed out that, “members have the ability to overturn any nomination of an independent director when the appointment is put to members for ratification.”  However, how likely is it that the membership, staring into the abyss of extinction, will not vote for the governance proposals?  Doubtless the management will make clear that if we don’t agree to everything the ECB and the parliamentary Robespierre, Julian Knight MP demand, international cricket will be denied to Headingly and, hence, the financial viability of the Club will be fatally undermined.  Slam dunk, perhaps with an impossible choice at the ballot – submission to a new woke tyranny or surrender to the bailiffs!  To those that feel that the survival of YCCC is worth any sacrifice I would just add, philosophically rather than practically, that is has been observed that one may take anything one desires out of life but, at the end of the day, one has to pay.

Bunter Tucks In

 

“Cave,” squeaked the Fat Owl of the Remove, just as the angular frame of Quelch, Housemaster of Stan Cullis House at Brayfriars School, loomed through the dorm doorway wherein was spread a lavish picnic of assorted tuck and flagons of ginger beer, smuggled in by the furtive housemates.

“What is the meaning of this illicit midnight feast,” boomed Quelch?

“I, I, I, I, I,” spluttered Bunter.

“Cease this blathering repetition of the first person singular and explain yourself at once,” demanded Quelch.

“I know it looks awful, but I can explain everything Sir,” blustered Bunter.

“The awfulness is terrific,” ejaculated Bob Cherry.

“You have forfeited the trust not only of the Remove but of the entire school and I shall be writing your Pater at Brady Towers forthwith,” judged Quelch.

Hurree Singh, who was only a visitor to Stan Cullis from the next door house, sighed in desperation but then turned to the wall and openly smirked behind his hand.

"Oh, and get that wretched Collie out of the house," added Quelch, "you know the rules on pets."